


Order Me to Live

by Sunny_Artist



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Neglect, F/M, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reader is A asshole, Reader-Insert, Sarcasm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Training Corps - Freeform, reader is sarcastic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28948743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunny_Artist/pseuds/Sunny_Artist
Summary: I was the runt of the family. Useless to them, a waste of perfectly good food. Maybe that's why they barely fed me, causing my already puny figure to be even weaker. When I was 8, I decided to join the military. They told me I would be no use to the military, the most I would be is titan bait.I told them I'd rather be eaten.As soon as I turned 12, I went to the Training Corps and that's where I met the man who would one day hold my life in his hands.((I'm constantly rereading my chapters and fixing them after I post -- Sorry. I'm typically too out of it to edit and catch certain issues till it's already posted TuT))
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: We will see how this turns out. I haven’t seen many purely Erwin x Reader fics, a lot of them are also Levi x Reader and while I love Levi, I want a pure Erwin x Reader fic… so yeah, that’s why this is happening, I guess. This starts off when Erwin and (Y/N) join the Training Corps. Erwin will be 14 and (Y/N) will be 12 when they both join. (Y/N) is Female in this.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Child Neglect, Child Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts and Tendencies
> 
> (Y/N)’s Family:  
> Richard (Y/L/N) – Father (41 years old)  
> Mary (Y/L/N) – Mother (36 years old)  
> Elizabeth (Y/L/N) – Sister (19 years old)  
> Andrew (Y/L/N) – Brother (18 years old)  
> Thomas (Y/L/N) – Brother (15 years old)  
> Benjamin (Y/L/N) – Brother (15 years old)  
> Susan (Y/L/N) – Sister (14 years old)  
> (Y/N) (Y/L/N) – (12 years old)  
> John (Y/L/N) – Brother (6 years old)  
> Anabella (Y/L/N) – Sister (6 years old)  
> Hannah (Y/L/N) – Sister (3 years old)

Why did I do it? It’s not like I had anything else going for me. You could say I was the runt of the litter; my family had no reason to keep me around. They were all physically stronger than me, better at plowing and tending to fields. Despite working on a nice farm, I was told there wasn’t enough to reward poor work. There were six siblings older than me, and by the time I left at age 12, there were three younger ones with one on the way. After being starved from so many meals, you would think they were smart enough to stop having children. If only I could work harder, if only I was stronger, then I could’ve gotten more food. Only those who work hard get food, that was the rules of the house. I was 8 when I decided to join the military. My parents didn’t bat an eye when I told them that. One less mouth to feed. Andrew, the oldest brother scoffed. “What would the military do with you? You’d be titan bait! You are lucky that Titans are willing to eat even a scrawny thing like you, or you would be completely useless!” Maybe he was trying to show he cared; that he didn’t want you to potentially risk your life. Of course, you were lying to yourself if you truly thought that.

“Better eaten than starving.” My response was dry, depressing to hear from the mouth of an 8-year-old, staring at the slice of bread set down in front of me. A sorry excuse of a meal. No one responded to my grim comment, the sounds of the others eating, and the younger twins giggling were the only things that could be heard.

“Are you really going to join the military, (Y/N)?” Elizabeth, the oldest, asks as we hang the laundry. Or for me, attempt to hang some laundry before Elizabeth gets it done first. I was too short to be able to hang them without standing on a box. The rest of my family were much larger, taller and stronger. I didn’t belong and being malnourished didn’t help. I didn’t bother responding. I made it more than clear over dinner a few nights ago, after all. She sighed. “They aren’t going to accept you, you’ll just come crawling back here. Who knows if Mom and Dad will accept you back if you get kicked out? Not only that, but I’ve heard people have died in just the training. If you are too stubborn to give up, you are going to die. There is no way you will make it through.” She explained logically.

“They’re gonna kick me out anyway.” I responded, just as blunt as ever. She wanted to fight with logic, I’ll counterattack with facts. There was no point in trying to argue with that statement. I was a waste of space. She sighs, clipping up some more clothing, deciding to move on from trying to convince me otherwise. We both knew that it was better for me to be in the military than here.

“Maybe you’ll make it.” She was trying to be supportive. She was 15, she shouldn’t have to play the role of my mother. “Being a part of the Garrison wouldn’t be bad, you’d have food and a roof over your head. They are mostly good for nothing drunks… but at least you’d have a good solid job and they mostly travel in packs, so as long as you have a few strong guys to handle the real work, you would have a more comfortable life than here.”

“I don’t wanna be a part of the Garrison.” I stepped off my box, dragging it over and grabbing the next article of clothing.

“Look, (Y/N), you have to think somewhat logically about this! You getting through the Training Corps is already a stretch! There is no way someone like you will get to be in the Military Police! Only the top ten people can join from the Training Corps. You aren’t strong enough; you’ll be lucky if you are in the bottom ten!” She huffed, getting frustrated at me ‘illogical fantasy’.

I pinned the cloth to the clothesline. “I don’t want to be in the Military Police either.” I didn’t need to see her face to tell all the color drained from her face.

“Oh my god… you’re suicidal.” She responded in pure shock, unable to continue with the conversation. I told them the other night. I’d rather be eaten than be here.

My 12th birthday was rapidly coming up, and only a short month after that, I would be leaving to joining the Training Corps. I sat underneath a tree, staring up at sky behind Wall Maria. We lived in the southern area of behind Wall Maria, not too far from the Shiganshina District, where my family sold our crops. I was spacing out when movement flickered in the corner of my eyes. I quickly got up, snatching the newest member of the family, Hannah. She giggled happily in my arms after her little sneak attack failed. I put my finger to my lips, and she quickly quieted down. I turned around, circling behind the large tree where the twins quietly hushed to each other. I raised an eyebrow, as they had yet to notice I had walked up behind them. I gently start setting Hanna down… on John’s head. Didn’t take him long to figure out I was there. “H-Hey!” He yelps, ducking and spinning around to avoid getting crushed by the toddler, who had now burst into a fit of giggles. “(Y/N)!” He yelled. Anabella also spun around.

“What are you two doing?” I asked, (e/c) eye’s narrowing at the two troublemakers, Hannah back safely in my arms. Anabella didn’t seem to care I was holding her younger sister, lunging forward and wrapping her arms around my legs. Anabella and John were only a few inches shorter than me, despite me almost being twice their age, and they were already stronger than me. There was no way I was getting out of her grasp with ease.

“(Y/N)! Lizzie said you are leaving!” She whined. I glanced from her to John, who was still pouting, not looking at me. “You can’t leave us, who will play with us? The others are always so busy working!” She was in tears. I sighed, setting Hannah down who started toddling off. I crouched down, trying to coax her to let go of my legs.

“Yeah. I’m gonna be joining the military so I can help protect you guys.” I grumble. It was a lie. I was leaving to escape. They didn’t need to know that. They were so happy; I shouldn’t ruin it. I continue to work on unwrapping Anabella’s arms from my legs. I was starting to lose circulation to them.

“You’ll visit us, right?” John finally spoke up. I paused for a second, then got out of Anabella’s grip.

“Yeah. Of course, I will.” More lies.

I stood in line with the hundred or so other trainees. The instructor of the Training Corps was an older male who had obviously been through some shit. Someone who had used to be in the Survey Corps. One could tell just by looking in his eyes. He walked up and down the lines, screaming at them. Some did better than others. I didn’t bother to pay much attention. “Name!” He ordered, glaring down at my form.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N), Sir.” I responded with just as much passion as I said everything else. None.

“What’s a runt like you doing here? Prepared to be titan fodder?” The corners of my lips twitched slightly. He noticed. “What? Find that funny, Cadet?”

“My brother would say the same thing, sir.” I responded bluntly. “I told him I would rather be eaten than be at home.” It was almost like the temperature dropped drastically around them. I could tell everyone was looking at me, shocked. Even the instructor was shocked. Guess he hadn’t heard of someone openly talking about death so calmly. I have to say, I was shocked he was so surprised by my reaction. Unlike most the others, he did get back on his verbal feet quite quickly.

“You think this is some sort of joke? Mocking deaths of hundreds of soldiers?” He yelled. Whoops. It looks like I hit a tender spot.

“Not at all, sir. I want to be a part of the Survey Corps. I want to see what’s beyond the walls. If that is to be my demise than so be it. I will happily be ordered to jump into the open mouth of a titan if that is what is deemed necessary by my Commander. While I’m ready for my death, I have no intentions on purposely cutting it short and putting those around me in danger.” I explain. The instructor glared at me, it didn’t seem like I got on his good side, but he moved on. The yelling continued, and I stared forward, ignoring those who continued to glance at me.

The day went on and eventually it was dinner time. I sat down, staring at the small loaf of bread and stew. A few other Cadets sat at my table, but most ignored me, talking to the others, asking where they wanted to go. Not to my surprised, almost everyone was aiming for the military police. I didn’t blame them. If I wasn’t as crazy, suicidal, whatever they wanted to call me, I would go for it too. Of course, I would also have to be stronger, so it really was a moot point. We really didn’t do much physical activities yet, but it was already clear I was at a disadvantage. “Lost in thought or something wrong with the food?” A slightly muffled voice asked. I glanced up, seeing a dark-haired boy, the bread loaf half in his mouth already.

I looked back down at the food. “I’ve never seen so much food set in front of me.” I responded, and things seemed to click for him.

“Ah, family didn’t have enough?”

“No, they had enough. It just wasn’t for me, I guess.” He seemed to realize the mistake in this line of questioning.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” His voice trailed off. I looked back up to him.

“Why are you sorry? It’s not like I really care. It’s in the past now.” I picked up the bread, starting to eat it. It tasted better than most the food I got back at home. I only got spoiled on special occasions, or when one of my siblings or my dad took pity on me.

“So, your name is (Y/N), right? You said you wanted to join the Survey Corps.” The boy continued to try to talk. I just nodded, continuing to eat. “I’m Nile Dok, if you don’t remember… Well, you probably didn’t. I didn’t leave anywhere near the lasting impression as you did. I’m sure everyone here will remember you.” Nile smiled a little nervously.

“You’ll at least be remember as the girl who said she’ll allow herself to be killed if ordered. You are either incredible loyal to humanity’s causes, or incredibly suicidal.” Another voice spoke up. I looked over at the boy who was sitting next to Nile. He had blond hair, piercing blue eyes and bushy eyebrows.

“Can I not be both?” I took a spoonful of the soup.

“I guess so. My name is Erwin Smith. I hope to join the Survey Corps too.” That piqued my interest. I had been listening to the others. He was the first to say he wanted to join the Survey Corps also, to my knowledge.

“That must mean you are loyal or suicidal also. Perhaps both.” I pointed out, getting a ghost of a smile on his lips.

“Just loyal. Humans used to be at the top. I want to see us back in our rightful place.” He explained, getting a nod from Nile. I focused back on my food.

“What about you, Nile, what do you want to join?” I finished up my soup, deciding to attempt for some decent socialization.

“Oh! I’m going to join the Survey Corps, too! There is so much out there, waiting to be seen.” He explained with a smile. “You said you wanted to see what’s outside the walls also, didn’t you?”

“You paid far too much attention on the words I was spouting.” I pointed out, standing up, getting a confused look from Nile. I didn’t look at him, deciding to look out the window instead. “Humans aren’t cattle. We’re… curious beings. You can’t tell me we are supposed to be living in a cage.” And with that, I cleaned up my plates and utensils, then headed to where the females bunked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I did this instead of sleeping and working on classes. Sigh. No Trigger warnings today.

That first night, the females sat on the porch of their building, back in comfortable clothes rather than the uniform. I stayed out with them, watching those who had already given up get shipped back to their respective homes. An option I no longer had. “I have to say, I’m shocked you aren’t with them. If you would’ve asked me, I would’ve pinned you as the first to go.” A brunette spoke from besides me as we watched the cart. I glanced over at her. 

“I guess you were wrong then.” I respond. “I’m not going to be leaving here.” 

“Have people told you that you are insane?” She asked, a hint of genuine curiosity in her voice.

“Yeah, quite recently, too.” I turn around, ready to head inside. There was no point to be out here anymore, and everyone was starting to filter back in, chatting happily. “If that’s what people want to see me as, I won’t tell them otherwise.”

She looked at me, obviously having lots of thoughts demanding to be said, but were hushed. “You are an interesting person, (Y/N).” I didn’t respond. That was a new one. I climbed up to my bed, finding out the girl still following me. The other girls were all in their cliques, chattering. The brunette huffed. “God, they are so loud, how do they expect any of us to sleep?” 

I lay down on my bed, closing my (e/c) eyes. “Just ignore them.” I tell her bluntly. I could hear her shuffle but didn’t bother open my eyes. 

“Ignore them how? How can you sleep through this?” She asked, almost whining. 

“You get used to it, eventually. I shared a room with my siblings. There is 9 of us in total. It can get pretty obnoxiously loud at times.” I explain, opening my eyes to look over at her. She looked a little shocked.

“You have 8 siblings? God, how do people have that many children, I can’t imagine having any more than two!” I just shrugged at her.

“My mom is currently pregnant.” I explained and she just shook her head. 

“Your homelife must’ve been something.” She made her way onto her bed, trying to take my advice. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep. A full stomach was a comfortable feeling. I don’t remember the last time I fell asleep this comfortable. 

The days went on, and the physicals activities became more and more. I was at a disadvantage. My lungs constantly felt like they were burning, and my limbs were about ready to fall off. It didn’t help that I almost always ended up with more laps or whatever other physical activities we were doing than the others. The Instructor seemed to think since I was so weak, I needed extra work to toughen me up. I didn’t argue or complain with him. I was still currently a burden. I stood in line in front of the ODMG testing rigs. The Instructor explained that being able to be a part of the Military, mastery of the ODM was crucial. “If by the end of the week, any of you can’t hold yourself upright on our rigs, you will be shipped home!” He lectured, walking back and forth in front of the line of cadets, then stopped in front on me. He leaned down to get right in my face. “Sheer suicidal determination will not save you from this.” 

“Understood, Sir.” I responded, continuing to stare straight ahead. It was more than obviously he directed that comment to me. He glared at me, and then continued, having the first group get hooked up. We all watched as they were lifted in the air, almost none of them able to keep upright, though Nile managed to with some extreme wobbling. They were let down, and allowed to try again, this time with more success, now knowing what to expect. All of them still wobbled. The first group was let down and the second group was getting hooked up when we had some unexpected visitors. 

The instructor turned around, seeing Dot Pyxis, the Commander of the Garrison unit walking with some other higher ups. “Commander Pyxis.” The Instructor saluted to him. The male gave a smile, saluting back. 

“First day of ODM training, I see.” He stated the obvious, getting a nod, telling the second group to get into lifted into the air, a similar repeat of the group before. Pyxis chuckled, pulling out a small canister and taking a sip as he watched the Cadets flounder around. Once again, they were allowed to try again. “You have some quick learners. It took me a few tries to be able to stay upright.” 

The next group was up, being carefully watched by the officers, and of course, with my luck, I was in it, along with Erwin. The Instructor gave me a glance and instantly knew this wasn’t going to end well. I could see it written on his face. 

We were lifted up, and yet again the cadets flopped about. Well, most of us. “It looks like you got some naturals, Vance.” Pyxis responded, looking at Erwin, who wobbled a little before managing to stabilize himself out, then moved to watch me. “Very impressive.” And with that, the commander and his entourage continued. 

Instructor Vance, who I had just figured out his name despite him introducing himself and others referring to him as such, just looked at me, a bit shocked. “There isn’t much of me to keep upright, Sir.” I pointed out, despite knowing that I was just annoying him at this point. 

“Let her down.” He orders, and I was set down as told.

“Would you like me to run laps till Lunch, as usual, sir?” I ask, getting a grumble and the order to do just that. I couldn’t help it sometimes. I was a sarcastic piece of shit, and that would probably be my downfall if I don’t get ordered to die beforehand for tactical reasons.

Lunch came around, and I grabbed my portion, sitting in my typical spot, across from Nile and Erwin, next to Christina, the brunette who also happened to be my bunkmate. “You were amazing on the rigs, (Y/N)!” Nile praised. “You didn’t move a single bit! It was like you were a statue.” 

“I do believe you managed to make yet another lasting impression on those around you. It’s also good that Commander Pyxis didn’t hear you talk back to Vance.” Erwin responded, as calm as ever. I just shrugged. 

“Vance has a stick up his ass.” I grumbled. “What I said wasn’t that bad, and if I didn’t say anything, he would probably get pissed off that I wasn’t saying anything.” 

“You did kind of put that stick in his ass to begin with, (Y/N). You started off on the wrong note, saying you wanted to get eaten.” Nile pointed out. The conversation didn’t continue, since Christina groaned loudly, flopping forward, almost taking out Erwin’s food with her.

“How were you guys so good up there, dammit!” She finally says what was on her mind. “Come on, (Y/N), what’s the trick?” 

I look over at her, then continue to eat my food. “There is no trick. Just stay upright.” I told her, getting an even louder groan.

“That’s not helpful!” She looks at Nile and Erwin. “You’ll guys will give me something, right? Please?” She begs. Erwin and Nile look at her. 

“It’s mainly core and lower body strength, but it would help if you would stop flailing your arms. That’s causing you to throw your balance off even more.” Erwin explained, like a teacher explaining to a struggling student. Come to think of it, Erwin would make a pretty good teacher. It was a wonder why he decided to join the military and go to the survey corps of all things rather than a more sensible job. 

“See, (Y/N)! That’s the kind of advice I was asking for!” Christina exclaimed. I rolled my eyes, eating my food. “I’ll keep that in mind, Erwin!” She smiled brightly. She was such an amazing smile. Why was she here? I didn’t bother to ask. I didn’t say anything about my family and unless people wanted to bring up theirs, I wouldn’t ask. Nile and Erwin tried their best to help Christina. 

By the end of the week, those who couldn’t stay upright on the rigs were sent home. Christina was still with us, no thanks to me, she pointed out. We were putting on the ODMG for the first time. After lot of classes, which I did decently well at, especially since Erwin was willing to help the three of us if we needed it. I managed to survive the physical activities, which was a lot because Vance sent me running, or to hold a planking position for the entirety of when the rest of the cadets were on the rigs. I was sore every night, but even in the short time, there was obvious improvement. Probably also thanks to getting three full meals a day. No matter what I said or did to piss Vance off, he never took away my meal privileges, not something some of the other cadets are lucky enough to say. I still managed to get Vance pissed off the most and in the first few days I’ve been there, I’ve broken the record of extra laps any cadet has had to run. 

“Holy fuck.” I cursed, hooking on the gear. I heard a chuckle from behind me. 

“A bit heavier than expected, (Y/N)?” Erwin asks, a small smile on his face. 

“Yeah…” I responded, looking away. Over the short time I’ve known him, Erwin was becoming almost a friend to me, along with Nile and Christina, who would throw a fit if I didn’t consider her a friend. “I guess a part of me didn’t think I would make it to actually putting this all on.”

“Really? That’s surprising… The way you hold yourself, you showed yourself as so certain you were going to make it to the Survey Corps and go outside the walls.” He responded, finishing putting on his gear. 

“Everyone around me has told me I won’t make it; I’ll die before I get there or will get shipped off.” I responded, walking with him as we made our way to the clearing where we would start training. “At some point, you can’t help but listen to them.”

Erwin stayed quiet for some time, looking at my much smaller form. He looked back forward. “I believe you will make it.” He finally said. “And this isn’t just because I want to support you as a friend. I would not tell you this if I did not genuinely believe it. You have a determination that can work through pain. In all honesty, I look up to you for that, and hope to someday have that same determination.” 

I raised an eyebrow, glancing at him. “I thought you were better with your words, Erwin.” I finally said, causing him to look at me, obviously a bit shocked. “I’m too short for you to look up to.” Erwin wasn’t the tallest around, but I sure as hell was the shortest. He laughed at my self-deprecating joke. It was the first time I heard him laugh. While I had heard many others laugh, he would only give a smile. The fact that my stupid ass joke made him laugh, albeit a small laugh, shocked me. 

He placed a hand on my head, ruffling (h/c) locks a little. “You’ll hit your growth spurt soon, I’m certain!” He responded.

“I better, or I’ll take your knees instead.” I grumble, finding it kind of hard to see myself getting all that much taller. Erwin was two years older than me and had quite a few inches on me, but he was still young. He would have a growth spurt himself in the next few years, meaning he would still be taller than me. The conversation didn’t continue as Instructor Vance walked over and they started working on actually using the ODM gear, learning how to connect the handles to the blades and how to shoot and aim the hooks.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I had an idea of where I wanted to go with this, then I didn’t. Sorry.  
> Trigger Warning: Death

Days later we stood in a forest, Instructor Vance in front of us on a horse. We all knew what we were going to have to do. “Cadets! You are to get from one end of the Forest to the other.” He ordered. “Don’t be stupid, when you are in the air you need to quickly think and not hesitate. Hesitating is a recipe for disaster and could lead to death.” For once he didn’t make a sly remark about my suicidal determination or size. Hesitating wasn’t something I would do, that was clear. I didn’t second guess my choices. “I will be watching the main group, if you decide to stray, or get left behind, I won’t stop you but also won’t be able to stop you from doing something stupid.” 

After his lecture, we were allowed to use the ODMG almost fully for the first time. My feet left the ground, being propelled forward. Maybe I was crazy, or suicidal, but I went ahead of the group. I could see where I wanted to aim the hooks, how far to swing… It was all completely natural for me. I wasn’t the only one going fast, there was a small group of us all ahead of the group. I saw Erwin not all that far behind me. I eventually stopped on a branch, looking over my shoulder. I could no longer see the main group; I must’ve gone further ahead than I thought. Erwin landed on a branch a tree near mine. “Is something wrong?” He asks, obviously a little concern why I suddenly stopped. 

“You’re following me.” I point out bluntly, turning my attention onto him. 

“Is there something wrong with that? You have a natural talent.” He chuckles softly. Of course, he was just being smart. I was able to find a quick, safe path through the forest. 

“I guess not.” I respond, looking over, noticing that someone else was coming up, much faster than I was going. Cocky bastard. They zipped past me and the boy looking down at us too. My eyes widened. “Keep your eyes forward!” 

My scream came too late.

Erwin and I looked down at the forest floor when the boy’s crumpled body now laid, blood on the tree where he collided into the wood. I was frozen for the first time in my life. Was this my fault? No… he was going too fast, there was nothing I could’ve done. Erwin landed net to me on the branch, getting a closer look. “Are you alright?” He asks, turning to look at me to gauge my reaction. I didn’t need to look at him to tell he was a little shaken also. 

“I’m not the one who crashed into a tree. Why wouldn’t I be alright?” I respond, my voice shaking a little. I move forward a little, going and jumping down before Erwin could say anything more. I landed on the ground, Erwin following close after. I crouched down to the body. That’s all it was now. I had heard the sickening crunch of then bones in his skull and spine. There was no where anyone could survive. Erwin crouched down also, collecting the boy’s limp body in his arms. “What are you doing?”

“We should bring him back and out of the two of us, I should be the one to carry him.” He stood up. I looked at him. Despite the situation, he was calm, in control. I took a deep breath and then stood up. 

“Alright. I’ll move a bit slower so that you can still follow.” I told him. This was the best way to go through things. “If you need me to stop or slow down, tell me.” He gave me a nod and we continued; a sick feeling still settled in my stomach. I couldn’t tell if I should be more or less bothered by the fact that we just watched a fellow cadet die. I should be in tears, bawling, right? That’s how people delt with death. But I wanted to be in the scouts… death would be something normal in our lives. This would be nothing, at least we have a body to present for the family. We were much slower now, not taking as many risky moves. By the time we got to the other end of the forest, the Main group was already there. They must’ve taken a different route. In fact, we were the only ones missing, everyone else was already done. When we walked out of the forest, the Cadets looking at us. Christina’s face lightened up and she rushed over, but the closer she got to us, the more her expression dropped. 

“(Y-Y/N)… Erwin… what’s going on here?” She asks, her brown eyes shrunk at the limp, bloodied body in Erwin’s arms. Instructor Vance came up behind her. 

“He was going too fast and didn’t look where he was going.” I responded, having been able to steady my voice. The other cadets were obviously struggling at the sight in front of them, some were starting to cry, even Christina had tears in her eyes.

“We thought it would be best to bring his body back.” Erwin added on, looking at Instructor Vance, who was quite quiet. Eventually he told us where to set his body, so they could bring him back to his family. It was the first death in our group. That night, more cadets left. Erwin sat next to me during dinner, Nile and Christina on the other side. Most of us who were still here were trying to pretend like nothing had happened. The four of us didn’t talk during the meal, it was obvious we were still thinking over what had happened. 

Christina was the one who took the death the hardest. She and Nile were a little closer to the others than Erwin and I were. Erwin was still somewhat popular (mainly thanks to his good looks) while I was just… antisocial. No one really bothered me. I was the girl crazy enough to say I would allow myself to get eaten, no one really wanted to get to know me. They just wanted to watch what crazy thing I would do next. 

I sighed, getting up and putting away my plates before starting to head to the female bunks. I made my way outside when I was stopped. “(Y/N).” I turned, seeing Erwin walk up to me. “Are you alright?” He asked for the second time that day. 

“I already told you earlier that I was.” I pointed out. “So why are you asking again.”

He paused for a second. “I wanted to make sure. If something was wrong, or something was bothering you, you can talk to me.” He told me, about to head back into the cafeteria. 

“Can you walk with me?” He looked over his shoulder at me and then walked back over, escorting me back. We didn’t say anything right away, there wasn’t much to be said. When I got to the building, I turned to him. “Thank you. If you weren’t there with me today, I wouldn’t have known what to do.” I finally speak up. 

“I really doubt that. I was only helpful because I could carry him. You would’ve been able to that yourself anyway.” He responded, and I just shook my head. 

“No, if it wasn’t for you, I probably would’ve stood there or let fear cloud my mind. You were able to snap me out of it.” I explain. “I know the path we are both walking on is filled with death, this will be something we will get used to.” I sighed, looking down at my feet. “I’m glad you are here with me.”

He stayed quiet; I knew he was just thinking through his responses, so I started making my way into the building. I didn’t get all that far, he reached out, gently grabbing my hand. I turned to look at him, waiting for him to respond. “I’m glad you are here with me, too.” He smiled a little, softly and then let go of my hand.

The days turned into weeks and suddenly four months had passed. Erwin and I had gotten close, close enough for Christina to constantly make comments and tease me about. It isn’t like that. It’s not like that at all. We were just friends. We couldn’t be anything more, the likelihood of either of us making it to 30 was slim to none. Hell… we would be lucky to make it to 20. Being friends was honestly stupid, we were going to die we didn’t need to drag someone’s mental and emotional health. Still didn’t stop either of us from getting close… 

Over the four months, I had gotten stronger, no longer at the back of the group when it came to physical activities. Didn’t stop Instructor Vance from sending me on laps every chance he got. Maybe if I would stop making underhanded comments at him, I wouldn’t be running laps… but I don’t think that would stop him from ordering me to do laps. “How many did you do today?” Christina asks over dinner. I shrugged.

“I don’t have a fucking clue.” I grumble. “This is bullshit, what did I do to deserve having to run laps from lunch till dinner?” I question, getting so chuckles from the two men.

“You told him that the self defense practice was impractical for you and that if a man was going to try to attack you, you would ‘kick them in the dick and make sure they couldn’t have children’.” Nile quoted me. 

“That’s the truth! One, I shouldn’t be fighting people, I’ll be fighting titans! If I’m having to fight people, then something is really fucked up! Two, just look at me! I’m fucking tiny! If a man came after me, I’m going after the dick.” Christina and Niles laughed, Erwin just shook his head with a smile. 

“It would be wise for you to learn how to protect yourself, (Y/N). I can help teach you.” Erwin offered.

“Give me one good reason why I should.” I responded, though I would probably take him up on the offer no matter what. 

“You never know who your enemy could be.” He responded, dead serious. I looked at him confused as hell. I would’ve responded but got interrupted.

Instructor Vance walked in, with papers in hands. Letters, actually. Once a week he would hand out letters from families. He called out names, and the cadet would go up to gather the letter. Nile and Christina had letters almost every week, so it wasn’t a shock for them to get called up. Erwin never got letters, and no one asked why he didn’t. Same with me. No one asked about personal information. If people wanted to give that information out, then they would bring it up themselves. 

“Cadet (Y/L/N)!” I looked at him, obviously a bit shocked, but went up and grabbed the letter. I opened it, starting to read it before even sitting. Erwin, Nile and Christina looked at me. 

“Who’s it from, (Y/N)?” Christina asks, curiously. I didn’t respond right away.

“My sister, Elizabeth.” I tell her, finishing reading it and sighing. “My youngest brother was born three months ago. They named him George.” I explain, setting the letter down. 

“How many siblings do you have, (Y/N)?” Nile asks, taking a sip from his water.

“George makes nine.” Nile almost choked on his water. Erwin also looked a bit shock. 

“Nine? You have nine siblings?” Nile asks, as if I would make that up. I sigh.

“Yeah. Elizabeth is the oldest, then Andrew. Next is the first set of twins, Thomas and Benjamin. Susan is two years older than me. The second set of twins John and Anabella are six years old. Hannah is three, and then lastly there is George.” I explain. 

“Wow… Must be hard to be away from them. You won’t get to see them for a year at least.” Nile responds, obviously missing his family also. 

“Not really.” I rested my cheek against my fist. “I said I’d rather get eaten by a titan than be there, didn’t I?” They stayed silent for a bit. 

“That bad?” Nile asks. I just nod. They didn’t press any further.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Minor talk of Suicide/Death

It was dark out, if the two of us got caught out here, we would probably end up getting punished. I would probably just have to run laps till dawn, who knows if Vance would do that to Erwin too. He would probably have to skip breakfast… “I really don’t see the point of this, Erwin.” I sigh, tossing the wooden knife in the air and catching it. “If Vance finds us out here, it’s not going to end well. Is it really worth teaching me how to protect myself from a guy, something I will probably never need? Not even Vance cares enough about this to the point where if we fail it, he won’t do shit! That’s how impractical learning this all is.” 

“You never know when you will need to know how to protect yourself.” He explains, holding out his hand. I hand over the faux knife.

“I’ll need to know how to protect myself. From titans. If a titan runs up to a human with a knife, then I’d know for certain I am no longer alive and am in fact, in hell.” I gave him a look. “If I didn’t know any better, Erwin Smith, I would think you think humans are the enemies rather than the titans with how you are pressing this.” 

“I believe they just might be.” He responded seriously. My body froze for a second, his blue eyes piercing, like he knew something too dark to utter. Before I could say anything, he started to explain himself, sitting down in the grass, signaling for me to do the same. I sat next to him, knowing that whatever he was about to tell me was going to be important. “(Y/N)… have you every wondered why we have no history before the walls?” 

I looked at him, a little shocked. What a weird question. “No… I never…” Why didn’t we know about life before the walls?

“I once asked that question to my father while he was teaching class.” Erwin continued. This was the first time I heard him talk about his family. “He gave me an answer that didn’t make much sense, what the textbooks said. When we got home, he sat me down and told me his real thoughts. He believed the royal family was hiding something, and would do anything to keep it that way, including being able to somehow alter people’s memories.” He looked over at me, to see how I was responding to this new information. 

“Alter… people’s memories…” I repeat, trying to wrap my brain around that. “Do you believe that something like that is possible?” 

“It’s the only logical explanation.” He sighs. “I want to learn the truth of this world, about the titans and the walls, but someone is trying to stop us from doing so. That is why I say our enemies might not just be the titans and why it’s important for you to learn how to protect yourself.” He stayed silent for a moment. “You shouldn’t tell others about what I said.”

“I can see why… people will think you are crazier than I am if you start talking about things like people being able to alter other’s memories.” I responded, rubbing my temples. 

“It’s not just that.” He didn’t look at me, looking at the knife in his hands instead. “When my father told me, I decided to tell some of my classmates. We were children after all, and what my father had said quickly made it’s way to the ears of the Military Police. They asked to talk to him and he never returned after that.” He looked back at me, my heart felt like it was in my gut. “I told you they were willing to do anything to keep the truth hidden, I believe that the government killed my father to keep him from spreading his thoughts. That’s why you can’t say anything to anyone else. I’m sorry to put that burden on you, but if I’m going to get to the bottom of everything, I’m going to need allies.” 

Maybe for the first time in my life, I felt dread. Why did I feel like this, cold, sick? Erwin was either off his rocker or telling the truth, and I couldn’t tell which one was a worse outcome. Was it wrong that I wanted to… I want to believe him. I curl up into a ball, bringing my knees to my chest. “Couldn’t they… couldn’t they have just erased his memories or something?”

He sighs. “I don’t know. I plan to find out.” I stand up and reach out my hand to him.

“You are a bit selfish, aren’t you, Erwin.” His eyes widened at this comment. I couldn’t help it. I was always blunt about my thoughts, as Vance could attest. “Dragging me into this fucked up mess. Guess it’s better than being in the dark about everything… As much as I really don’t care if I die, I don’t want to die being lied to straight to my face.” He took ahold of my hand and I gave him a smile, before tugging him onto his feet. “We should get to work, if I’m gonna get myself ready to fight grown ass men, I’m gonna need a lot of work.” 

Erwin smiled back. “Yes… let’s get to it.” He got ready to attack, still smiling softly. “And thank you, (Y/N).” 

I raised my arms into a fighting stance. “You are one of the few idiots who decided to be friends with this suicidal idiot. The least I can do is stick by your side. We will get to the bottom of this, Erwin.”

As time moved on, our group grew a little. One dinner, Mike Zacharias joined us at our table. Apparently, he, Erwin and Nile had gotten close. He was a bit of an ‘oddball’, not like I had even known of his existence till he sat next to me. He was a quiet guy with a really weird habit. Christina seemed to deal with him sniffing her much better than I did. Of course, while she had her moments, she was generally a nice and accepting person. I, on the other hand… well, responded with my typical bluntness. “What the fuck?” 

“It’s alright, he does that to everyone he meets. It’s harmless.” Erwin explained. I tried to relax a bit, letting him finish.

“Sorry…” Mike finally went and focused on his food, obviously knowing his behavior was a bit out there.

“That’s one way to make an impression on someone.” I shook my head, getting a chuckle from Nile.

“Don’t worry, (Y/N). You still are highest on my list of crazy first impressions, and I don’t think anyone will take that from you!” He ‘reassured’ me. 

“I swear to god, You idiots are never going to let me live that comment down.” I grumble, knowing they were talking about my ‘I would rather be eaten’ comment. 

“Do you actually regret saying that, (Y/N)?” Erwin questions.

“Are you asking if I suddenly no longer have a complete disregard for my life or asking if I regret saying my thoughts out loud so I can be teased by my friends months and months after I said it?” I ask for clarification, giving him a glare. “Because if it’s the former, that would be a no and the latter would be a yes.” I answer both questions. 

“If you think that regretting that will stop us from teasing you, we won’t!” Christina laughed, giving a bright smile. I just glare at her, and she moved onto the next conversation. “So Mike! What branch of the military are you planning on joining?” She asks.

The boy looks up from his food, a bit surprised he was being talked to. “Oh… I’ll be joining the Survey Corps. I believe it’s the same for all of you, correct?” Christina smiled and nodded. It was obvious the boys had talked a bit before bringing him into our group.

“That’s great! We have another member of (Y/N)’s Suicide Squad!” Christina giggles getting a look from me.

“Woah, wait! What? Why is this my suicide squad?” I questioned, shocked.

“That’s what they call you four.” Mike explained. “You are the leader of a group of people who have all publicly said you want to go to the Survey Corps, and after your comments from day one, everyone believes that the rest of you must be just as crazy and suicidal to follow you.” 

I looked at him shocked. “Me? The leader? What the hell did I do to make people believe I’m the leader? If anyone is the leader here, it would be Erwin!” I point at the blonde sitting on the other side of me. 

“Why wouldn’t you be the leader? You are the reason we are all friends after all.” Nile pipped up. “Not only that, but you and Erwin share a lot of similarities when it comes to your leadership skills. You both are smart, able to make quick decisions and certainly have a way with people.” I looked at him like he was insane.

“You must be insane to think my people skills and Erwin’s people skills are the same!” I pointed out, we were completely different people. He was calm and charismatic while I was absolutely… insane.

“They aren’t the same, but you both command the attention of those around you.” Christina explained. “Erwin is good with his words, charming, smart, he could easily get everyone here to jump of a cliff, though because of that, he does come off as a bit… manipulative. Sorry, Erwin.” She apologized, but Erwin didn’t seem offended. “You, on the other had are amazing at making quick decisions, and thanks to your bluntness, what we see is what we get. Not only that but because of the decisions you make, you sorta force people to pay attention, and even those who hate you have to admit you have talent. In a life-or-death situation, no one would think twice about listening to you, and we all know you wouldn’t keep your mouth shut in a situation like that.”

“That still doesn’t explain why I’m the leader here.” I pointed out. 

“The main reason you are seen as the leader is because out of all of us is that you are the most outspoken.” Erwin finally explained. 

“Okay, great. I’m the loudest here, that doesn’t mean I am the leader, let alone should be!” I asked, looking at him. He just sighed and gave me a look.

“Sometimes those who don’t think they should be leaders end up in that position. Personally, I have no issues with you being considered the leader here, I think you would make a good leader also. Just accept the title, it’s not like you’d really be offended being considered the leader of the Suicide Squad.” He went and finished off his water. 

“No, not really, but even if you guys are okay with me being the ‘leader’, surely you can’t be alright with being part of this ‘Suicide Squad’.” I grumble, realizing I won’t be able to push this godforsaken title onto someone else. I still believed Erwin is a far better leader. 

“We all want to be in the Survey Corps.” Mike looked up from his food. “To the others that means we must be suicidal. If that’s what they want to call me, then so be it. I much rather die early and fighting than old, knowing how much I could’ve aided to humanity’s fight against the titans.”

I looked at it and sighed. He made good points, dammit. “Alright then. Welcome to my Suicide Squad, Mike.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I hope to be able to give you guys an interesting story. I don’t really know where this is going and I haven’t written for quite some time, let alone fanfiction. But I desperately need Erwin X Reader stuff. If you guys know any good ones, please send them my way.


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